I generally don’t mind doing the dishes. It doesn’t matter if I cooked or not. Of course if someone else takes on the task I won’t stop them. When I cook I try to keep up with the dishes generated, but that’s always secondary to cooking. (Translation – I always fall behind.)

This isn’t all clean dishes and smiles though. There are circumstances that make it difficult for me to do dishes. I’m not talking about being sick or out of dish soap. I mean things which should not mater in the least, and for most people wouldn’t. They seem to affect me in the same way fingernails on a chalkboard affect most. (Incidentally that sound has never really bothered me. The sensation of doing the scraping is kind of weird though.)

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I can’t walk up to a sink and counter filled with dishes, start rinsing them, and drop them in the dishwasher. I’ve tried. I get more and more agitated, drained, discouraged, and unable to continue with each moment. Consider an average double kitchen sink half full of dirty dishes, a pile about the same size on the counter, and a pot/pan or two on the stove. A batch of dishes like that will take me at least twice as long if I don’t first spend time getting it all in a pile on one side of the sink. This is true even if the time to get the pile on the sink counts against me. Additionally my energy levels after accomplishing it without first creating the pile will be next to nothing whereas I’ll probably be fine if I do it the other way.

Once I start on them I also can’t continuously drop them in the dishwasher. I’ve done it in the past, but for some reason at this house I can’t. It feels like it slows me down. Instead I have to create a new pile on the other side of the sink composed of dishes ready to go in the washer. (I think this is related to the relative locations of the sink and dishwasher, but can’t prove it.) Trying to drop them straight in is another path to agitation and discouragement.

I have to put the dishes in the dishwasher a certain way. This is a compulsion. It is not new either. This loading pattern has been with me longer than I can remember. On the top I always have to load back to front. In fact, if there are already dishes in there it takes a physical effort to not re-arrange them “properly” back to front. In many cases I don’t exert the effort and instead just re-arrange them. It’s faster and less draining. I used to re-arrange them even if I was just adding a cup or glass, but I’ve mostly tamed that beast.

My newest struggle loading the dishwasher is the silverware rack on the door. I need to space all the silverware out as evenly among the six compartments as I can. Oh, but it’s worse than that. They also have to be as close to 50/50 pointing up and down as possible. When that silverware gets spaced out? It’s not just silverware, it’s by what type of silverware as well. All the spoons should not be in the same three slots, they should be spread out among the six and alternately up/down pointing when in the same slot. (I told you it was worse.)

On the bottom rack the pots and pans go in the back and the plates in the front. From that base layout I fit as much in as I can. It’s like Tetris for the kitchen. Many times I pull half the stuff out to re-arrange stuff back in so it will fit better. Re-arranging the bottom doesn’t feel like unhealthy compulsion, just excessive. The rest though?

So what, right?

One of the things I believe is that we are all broken in some way. In fact, we are all likely broken in multiple ways. This is one of mine.